Love - #BlogElul 18

Tomorrow is my kids' first day of school for this year. That is the main reason my day of Elul is practically coinciding with my day of September - I need to finish this blog post and go to bed, my alarm will go off at 6:30 for the first time in two months.

There was much running around and packing and organising, and people who couldn't get to sleep from excitement and a whole summer of going to bed late. There is a newly minted Grade 5 student who is nervous about getting her own locker, a big brave Grade 8 student who has this junior high thing figured out, and an unbelievable Grade 11 student who is suddenly thinking about university and life after the school in which he began kindergarten just the other day.

I am very blessed to have three versions of my heart out walking around outside my body, to quote the writer Elizabeth Stone. Before they came into my life I thought I knew what love was. I had parents and siblings and lovers, and I loved them all. But they did not cause my heart to go walking around outside my body.

During the High Holy Days, we imagine G-d as the King of Kings, a stern but fair judge. But let us not forget that HaShem is also our parent, and that the feminine aspect of G-d, the Shechinah, is our Holy Mother. We are Her heart walking around the world. In the face of such love, how can we be afraid?

About carbs and love

I made a mistake. For New Year's Eve, I bought one of those big boxes of assorted potato chips for the kids. 6 Original flavour, 6 Ketchup and 6 All Dressed. So, why was this a mistake? Because my two younger ones only eat the Original flavour, and the eldest prefers the Ketchup. That leaves the bags of All Dressed just sitting there, calling my name. I did have one on NYE, and it made me feel sick.

So, here I am, hanging around the house because the kids are off school and I'm not working this week, with too much time on my hands. Rather than doing something useful like cleaning the basement, I'm thinking about potato chips and self-love.

Like most people, I love potato chips. That combination of crunchy, fatty and salty just hits the spot for me. Actually, none of those are a problem for me. If I got my butt in gear and made kale chips, they would be crunchy, fatty and salty and I would have no problem at all. It's the potato that is bad for my gut. It's hard to get much higher on the Glycemic Index than a white potato. It turns into glucose almost before you are done chewing it. That is undoubtedly part of what makes it so addictive - that insulin surge that hits you and makes you ravenous for more.

I know all of this with absolute certainty. It's not a theoretical construct. Eating potato chips is bad for me, makes me feel sick and will undoubtedly prolong this colitis flareup I so strongly desire to manage without toxic medications.

Last night I stayed up too late, succumbing to the lure of the siren Internet. When I'm tired, my body mistakes the need for sleep for hunger and tries to get me to eat as many carbohydrates as I can possibly ram down my gullet, in the hope that that will make me feel less tired. Some nights it's like watching somebody else in charge of my hands, getting into the cookies or rationalising knocking off a whole bag of gluten-free cheese puffs (they aren't quite as bad for me as cookies, right?).

I am proud to report, though, that last night I firmly took charge of my hand and took it back out of the chip box, empty. Then I went to bed. I loved myself enough to avoid putting stuff in my mouth that is toxic for me, and to give my body what it needed at that point (sleep!).

The fact that I'd just read this amazing eBook by Krista Scott-Dixon may have helped. You have to read this book - don't be put off by the foulmouthed title. Just read it. Also read her website and become a devoted follower. You won't be sorry.

What have you done already this year to make yourself proud?